Who Am I?

This is a question that I am sure most of us have asked ourselves at least once in life.  For me at 48 (nearly 49) years of age, you would think the answer would be obvious to me by now.

But, it is not.  I don’t know who I am.

When I look in the mirror I see a thing I despise.  A monster.  A nothing.  I have seen myself like this for as long as I can remember.  At this point it feels normal.  I realize that this is not a healthy way of thinking.   

But why the question, “Who Am I?”

Because from age 7 to age 46 I was told how to think, how to feel, strongly encouraged what to read, what to watch, who to have as friends, and what my future would be.  Whenever someone would ask me “who are you”, I would always answer “I am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses”.  Thinking back on that now makes me feel a little creepy. Ironically, I thought I was in control and NOBODY dictated to me how to live my life. 

Man was I wrong!

In most normal families, parents nurture their offspring’s dreams of becoming firefighters, police officers, lawyers, actors, musicians – whatever their hearts draw them to.  Growing up in a Jehovah’s Witness environment, children are discouraged from having their own dreams.  Instead they are coerced to live their lives for the benefit of the organization because that is the only way they will be pleasing to god and to avoid his wrath at Armageddon.  Any other aspirations are considered “worldly pursuits” and are STRONGLY discouraged.  (Mind you, if you speak with any rank and file JWs or members of the governing body, they will assure you that they don’t tell their members what to do.  We all have the “free” will to make our own decisions. But this is a discussion for another post.)

So here I am in the second half of my life not really knowing who I am.  Not having an outside entity “guide” my every action feels foreign.  This new freedom feels as much like a prison as the control the Watchtower held over me nearly 4 decades.  I feel as if I have fallen and I can’t get back up.

Clearly, this is a journey that is going to be longer than I anticipated.  I just don’t know how much time I have left to figure it out, but every journey starts by taking the first step.  To begin walking down this path, I found a couple of self-assessment quizzes to gain some insight.  Here are the results:

Quiz #1 - Who Am I meant to Be (http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Who-Are-You-Meant-to-Be-Self-Assessment-Quiz):

Your Result:

Striving to Be Creative

You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet’s imagination. The point is, you’re an original, and you know it. Even if you don’t have a singular gift, you’re drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter— and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don’t care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path. 

What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of “outsider” or “orphan” and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity. 

Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Your Scores

Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description by clicking the arrow below, and see what rings most true.

Striving to Help: 11

Striving to Be Recognized: 7

Striving to Be Creative: 11

Striving to Be Spontaneous: 6

Striving to Be Knowledgeable: 11

Striving to Be Secure: 10

Striving to Be In Control: 6

Quiz #2 - Who Am I? (https://whoami.visualdna.com/?c=us#quiz)

Some detailed results from this quiz that are eerily accurate:

OUTLOOK

Realist

Realists like to think they see things the way they really are. But it’s important to remember that everyone sees the world differently. You might tend to keep a level head, and don’t excite easily, but this can leave you susceptible to bouts of gloominess. If you feel yourself moving towards a negative emotional extreme, try looking to other people for fresh perspectives

SELF CONTROL

Reserved

You may feel a bit conflicted when you’ve been wronged. On the one hand it can affect you deeply to the point of feeling victimized, but on the other you can be scared of saying something about it for fear of upsetting other people. The result is that your anger might be directed inwards, which is very unhealthy. You can’t always be the nice guy.

SOCIABILITY

Humble

People with this characteristic tend to be modest and self-effacing – sometimes in the extreme. They enjoy their privacy and their own company, but are also sympathetic to the needs of others. In fact, sometimes they can be too trusting of people, which can lead to them being taken advantage of. If you recognize this trait in yourself, it’s important to have someone you’re sure you can trust looking out for you.

ATTITUDE

Progressive

People with progressive attitudes tend to have a great deal of faith in human nature and believe in education, co-operation and free thinking as ways to help develop society. They are willing to try new ideas and solutions and take a thoughtful approach to issues like social problems. It sounds like you tend to be seen as the voice of reason in most situations.

RESILIENCE

Sensitive

Sensitive people are extremely aware of potential dangers and problems around them – perhaps a little too aware sometimes. In fact, they tend to purposefully imagine worst-case scenarios. If you recognize this trait in yourself, rather than let yourself be overcome by fear use these theoretical situations to stimulate yourself to come up with imaginative solutions.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my entry.  My goal is to post more as I travel the path of self-discovery.