I Should This, I Should That. I should…I should…I should…

When I was still living on the east coast, I was seeing a therapist that did his best to get me to weed this word from my vocabulary.  I never understood why and thought he was just being difficult.  Now that I have had time to digest my sessions with him I am finally starting to get some clarity why he wanted me to avoid the use of the word “should”.

My life has been all about the S-H-O-U-L-D.  I should go to the meeting, I should go out in service, I should prepare my watchtower lesson, I should answer at the meeting, I should start a bible study, I should pioneer, etc, etc.  I could do everything on the list, but if I missed just one, I felt as if I had failed and that Jehovah had turned his back on me and I was going to die at Armageddon. 

Using the word “should” in your vocabulary has power.  This word helps us to put untold number of burdens on ourselves – realistic and unrealistic.  This word can give birth to guilt, shame, and all kinds of negative emotions.  

  

Even once I walked away from the world of watchtower, “should” has been an integral part of my psyche.  Then the thoughts were “I should not have left the organization”, “I should still believe in Jehovah”, “I should still pursue religion”, “I should go back”, etc, etc.

Even if I decide to take a day for myself then I am flooded with thoughts of what I “should” be doing (like cleaning the apartment, looking for a job, studying something, doing something constructive).

It is a miracle I have not “should” myself to death.

So now the task will be learning to use this term less in my conversations with myself and other people.  How to go about this, I am not quite sure.  This is yet another part of my journey to learning who I am.  

When thinking about this subject to write about, I found an article at the website Tiny Buddha that give some advice on managing the word “should”. 

Here is what author Hannah Braime, founder of Becoming Who You Are shared with her readers (Full article here: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-the-word-should-can-be-harmful-3-empowering-alternatives):

   1.   Focus on the benefits.

Instead of telling myself I “should” be doing more of something, I try to focus on why I want to do that particular thing.

Instead of saying “I should do more yoga,” I remind myself of why I want to do this: “I feel great when I do yoga a few times each week,” “I enjoy feeling myself relax and stretch out when I do yoga,” or “I feel a greater sense of self-connection when I make time to connect my body and my breathing in yoga.”

   2.   Focus on how the activity fits with your values.

One of the biggest things I used to “should myself about was being on time.  I struggled to turn up on time for work, appointments, meeting up with friends, and pretty much anything that was due to start at a set time.  It was a constant battle with myself and, of course, telling myself “You should be on time” or “you shouldn’t be late” did nothing to change my tardiness.

Instead, I started reframing this from the perspective of my values.  I started telling myself “It’s really important to me to be on time,” or “I want to live with integrity and do what I say I’m going to do, when I say I’m going to do it.”

    3.   Focus on accepting and exploring reality.

I used to think that I shouldn’t feel angry or jealous.  I had heard they were “unhealthy” feelings to experience and had the belief that there was something wrong with me for feeling that way.  No matter how much I told myself that I shouldn’t feel these things, however, they didn’t go away.

Now, I focus on accepting my experience.  Instead of telling myself “I shouldn’t be feeling/thinking _______,” I take a step back and say “Okay, I’m feeling/thinking _______.  I wonder why that’s happening now?”

Removing the word “should” from your vocabulary will take time, patience, and practice.  But it is possible, and it comes with great rewards.  Replacing “should” with more helpful dialogue will lead to a kinder relationship with yourself, and better relationships with the people around you too.”

As always your comments are welcomed.  I look forward to reading them.

Stepford Escapee