Mourning What Could Have Been

I woke up this morning thinking about someone who could have been an important part of my life.  (I will call him “Raul” as I have not enlisted his permission to write about him.)  I don’t know why he crossed my mind.  Maybe it is because I have been obsessing again about everything I have missed out on in life by being raised in a mind controlling cult.  Reading my friends updated online and seeing their family photos just rub salt in the wound that reminds me that I will never have a family of my own.  No one will ever call me Mommy.  There will never be anyone waiting at home for me when I get home from work.

Not that there was opportunity for me when I was “in the truth”.  I can’t speak for other areas of the world but in the area I grew up in black sisters did not stand much of a chance and the darker you were the worse your chances to ever be in a relationship.  So I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of singlehood and expected to die alone in a rundown apartment, my body discovered a few weeks after its expiration.

“Raul” was my chance to at a different path.  I met him when I lived down south and worked at the college.  I was taking some graphics and art classes and he was in several of the same classes.  We got along really well and had a lot in common, but I just chalked it up to the fact that we both really like movies and special effects.  Then the day came for a class field trip to the Dali Museum down in Saint Petersburg.  We would be taking several cars and “Raul” decided he would drive and said I could ride with him.  However, unlike the other cars, it was just the two of us riding together (which I found out later he maneuvered it that way).  All I kept thinking about was what if someone from the kingdom hall sees me in the car with this worldly guy! 

Well, no witnesses saw my transgression that day, “Raul” and I hung out together at the museum (along with our assigned group) all day, and on the way back to Clearwater, stopped at a restaurant for dinner. 

Thus started my brief stint into what would be considered bad behavior for a Jehovah’s Witnesses.  “Raul” and I would talk on the phone for hours at a time (which witnesses considered phone dating), hang out, talked about starting a business together, and generally spent a lot of time together outside of our regular class time. 

I never understood why this young man who was 10 years my junior, and could have had any of the Barbie doll blondes that were in our classes showed attention towards me.  It made absolutely no sense to me at all.  After all, he was “worldly”, the only thing he was interested in was looks and sex right?  Why did he find me worthy of attention when none of the better, spiritual men at the kingdom thought I was worth a thought?

The relationship with “Raul” could have progressed in a positive direction if I did not let fear of the organization overtake me.  Once it did I started pulling away from “Raul”.  We remained friends for a time, but with time we lost touch. 

I still think about him from time to time and wonder “what if”.  I hate myself for being so afraid of the organization and the consequences of defying it to the point of robbing myself of personal happiness.  Not that a relationship with “Raul” would have necessarily been perfect, but it would have been nice to have had the chance to find out.

Stepford Escapee

I Should This, I Should That. I should…I should…I should…

When I was still living on the east coast, I was seeing a therapist that did his best to get me to weed this word from my vocabulary.  I never understood why and thought he was just being difficult.  Now that I have had time to digest my sessions with him I am finally starting to get some clarity why he wanted me to avoid the use of the word “should”.

My life has been all about the S-H-O-U-L-D.  I should go to the meeting, I should go out in service, I should prepare my watchtower lesson, I should answer at the meeting, I should start a bible study, I should pioneer, etc, etc.  I could do everything on the list, but if I missed just one, I felt as if I had failed and that Jehovah had turned his back on me and I was going to die at Armageddon. 

Using the word “should” in your vocabulary has power.  This word helps us to put untold number of burdens on ourselves – realistic and unrealistic.  This word can give birth to guilt, shame, and all kinds of negative emotions.  

  

Even once I walked away from the world of watchtower, “should” has been an integral part of my psyche.  Then the thoughts were “I should not have left the organization”, “I should still believe in Jehovah”, “I should still pursue religion”, “I should go back”, etc, etc.

Even if I decide to take a day for myself then I am flooded with thoughts of what I “should” be doing (like cleaning the apartment, looking for a job, studying something, doing something constructive).

It is a miracle I have not “should” myself to death.

So now the task will be learning to use this term less in my conversations with myself and other people.  How to go about this, I am not quite sure.  This is yet another part of my journey to learning who I am.  

When thinking about this subject to write about, I found an article at the website Tiny Buddha that give some advice on managing the word “should”. 

Here is what author Hannah Braime, founder of Becoming Who You Are shared with her readers (Full article here: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-the-word-should-can-be-harmful-3-empowering-alternatives):

   1.   Focus on the benefits.

Instead of telling myself I “should” be doing more of something, I try to focus on why I want to do that particular thing.

Instead of saying “I should do more yoga,” I remind myself of why I want to do this: “I feel great when I do yoga a few times each week,” “I enjoy feeling myself relax and stretch out when I do yoga,” or “I feel a greater sense of self-connection when I make time to connect my body and my breathing in yoga.”

   2.   Focus on how the activity fits with your values.

One of the biggest things I used to “should myself about was being on time.  I struggled to turn up on time for work, appointments, meeting up with friends, and pretty much anything that was due to start at a set time.  It was a constant battle with myself and, of course, telling myself “You should be on time” or “you shouldn’t be late” did nothing to change my tardiness.

Instead, I started reframing this from the perspective of my values.  I started telling myself “It’s really important to me to be on time,” or “I want to live with integrity and do what I say I’m going to do, when I say I’m going to do it.”

    3.   Focus on accepting and exploring reality.

I used to think that I shouldn’t feel angry or jealous.  I had heard they were “unhealthy” feelings to experience and had the belief that there was something wrong with me for feeling that way.  No matter how much I told myself that I shouldn’t feel these things, however, they didn’t go away.

Now, I focus on accepting my experience.  Instead of telling myself “I shouldn’t be feeling/thinking _______,” I take a step back and say “Okay, I’m feeling/thinking _______.  I wonder why that’s happening now?”

Removing the word “should” from your vocabulary will take time, patience, and practice.  But it is possible, and it comes with great rewards.  Replacing “should” with more helpful dialogue will lead to a kinder relationship with yourself, and better relationships with the people around you too.”

As always your comments are welcomed.  I look forward to reading them.

Stepford Escapee

Who Am I?

This is a question that I am sure most of us have asked ourselves at least once in life.  For me at 48 (nearly 49) years of age, you would think the answer would be obvious to me by now.

But, it is not.  I don’t know who I am.

When I look in the mirror I see a thing I despise.  A monster.  A nothing.  I have seen myself like this for as long as I can remember.  At this point it feels normal.  I realize that this is not a healthy way of thinking.   

But why the question, “Who Am I?”

Because from age 7 to age 46 I was told how to think, how to feel, strongly encouraged what to read, what to watch, who to have as friends, and what my future would be.  Whenever someone would ask me “who are you”, I would always answer “I am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses”.  Thinking back on that now makes me feel a little creepy. Ironically, I thought I was in control and NOBODY dictated to me how to live my life. 

Man was I wrong!

In most normal families, parents nurture their offspring’s dreams of becoming firefighters, police officers, lawyers, actors, musicians – whatever their hearts draw them to.  Growing up in a Jehovah’s Witness environment, children are discouraged from having their own dreams.  Instead they are coerced to live their lives for the benefit of the organization because that is the only way they will be pleasing to god and to avoid his wrath at Armageddon.  Any other aspirations are considered “worldly pursuits” and are STRONGLY discouraged.  (Mind you, if you speak with any rank and file JWs or members of the governing body, they will assure you that they don’t tell their members what to do.  We all have the “free” will to make our own decisions. But this is a discussion for another post.)

So here I am in the second half of my life not really knowing who I am.  Not having an outside entity “guide” my every action feels foreign.  This new freedom feels as much like a prison as the control the Watchtower held over me nearly 4 decades.  I feel as if I have fallen and I can’t get back up.

Clearly, this is a journey that is going to be longer than I anticipated.  I just don’t know how much time I have left to figure it out, but every journey starts by taking the first step.  To begin walking down this path, I found a couple of self-assessment quizzes to gain some insight.  Here are the results:

Quiz #1 - Who Am I meant to Be (http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Who-Are-You-Meant-to-Be-Self-Assessment-Quiz):

Your Result:

Striving to Be Creative

You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet’s imagination. The point is, you’re an original, and you know it. Even if you don’t have a singular gift, you’re drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter— and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don’t care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path. 

What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of “outsider” or “orphan” and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity. 

Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Your Scores

Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description by clicking the arrow below, and see what rings most true.

Striving to Help: 11

Striving to Be Recognized: 7

Striving to Be Creative: 11

Striving to Be Spontaneous: 6

Striving to Be Knowledgeable: 11

Striving to Be Secure: 10

Striving to Be In Control: 6

Quiz #2 - Who Am I? (https://whoami.visualdna.com/?c=us#quiz)

Some detailed results from this quiz that are eerily accurate:

OUTLOOK

Realist

Realists like to think they see things the way they really are. But it’s important to remember that everyone sees the world differently. You might tend to keep a level head, and don’t excite easily, but this can leave you susceptible to bouts of gloominess. If you feel yourself moving towards a negative emotional extreme, try looking to other people for fresh perspectives

SELF CONTROL

Reserved

You may feel a bit conflicted when you’ve been wronged. On the one hand it can affect you deeply to the point of feeling victimized, but on the other you can be scared of saying something about it for fear of upsetting other people. The result is that your anger might be directed inwards, which is very unhealthy. You can’t always be the nice guy.

SOCIABILITY

Humble

People with this characteristic tend to be modest and self-effacing – sometimes in the extreme. They enjoy their privacy and their own company, but are also sympathetic to the needs of others. In fact, sometimes they can be too trusting of people, which can lead to them being taken advantage of. If you recognize this trait in yourself, it’s important to have someone you’re sure you can trust looking out for you.

ATTITUDE

Progressive

People with progressive attitudes tend to have a great deal of faith in human nature and believe in education, co-operation and free thinking as ways to help develop society. They are willing to try new ideas and solutions and take a thoughtful approach to issues like social problems. It sounds like you tend to be seen as the voice of reason in most situations.

RESILIENCE

Sensitive

Sensitive people are extremely aware of potential dangers and problems around them – perhaps a little too aware sometimes. In fact, they tend to purposefully imagine worst-case scenarios. If you recognize this trait in yourself, rather than let yourself be overcome by fear use these theoretical situations to stimulate yourself to come up with imaginative solutions.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my entry.  My goal is to post more as I travel the path of self-discovery.