I am
not happy. There I said it. So if you came here looking for sunshine and flowers. You can leave now.
Do I know why I am not happy? I don't
know if I could really explain why. I still feel trapped. I moved
to start a new life but I feel like I am still living the same life.
The four walls of the cube have not loosened up any. If I had to be
completely honest, I would have to admit that I am still enslaved by
worry about finances and fear of taking risks. I am also feeling
boxed in by the choice to go back to college. When I am devoting my
whole week to completing school work, all I can think about is how I
would rather be spending that time sculpting cuts and wounds and
casting them to use in effects makeup. Or wanted to use the time
practicing my drawing skills so I can sketch the character that pop
into my head. But I can't do what I really want to be doing because
I obligated myself to school.
I know
I will never be the caliber of makeup/effects artist that I want to
be, but to not be putting my all toward something that I have always
wanted to do feels like being suffocated with a plastic bag. I know
that education is valued in our society. I am not disputing that.
Having that piece of paper from an institution of higher learning
would give me a few more dollars (or perhaps cents) in my paycheck
working at a job that I probably would not be happy doing anyway.
And what makes my situation even more unbearable is being told that I
actually have some talent for doing makeup and could be pretty good
if I would just dedicate myself to the craft and spend more time
practicing. But the way things are now is that I don't have time to
practice the craft.
So I
find myself at a crossroad again with a big decision to make. I am
tired of being miserable and feeling like my life is not my own. In
my current situation I feel old, miserable, and tired. I don't have
a lot of years left. My body has already started to betray me (which
hinders how active I can be as a makeup artist). I want to spend
what years I have left doing something I enjoy, at least part of the
time. My financial status unfortunately will keep me enslaved to
“The Man”, but I don't have give him everything.
Stepford
Escapee
this may sound chezzy, but its all going to be ok. I am a former j dub and I follow u on youtube so I can relate when thinking about all the wasted time spent on things you really didn't want to do. I guess my best advice would be is live your life doing exactly that thing that you want. So what are u studying? Is what your studying something u aspire to more than your career in makeup? would u be willing to switch over to study more in depth makeup. of course I don't live in your shoes and don't know your circumstances but it breaks my heart to see someone unhappy, wish you luck and I hope you find your way.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting on my blog. I really should keep up with it better...As far as what I am studying in school, it does not really move me in a direction that I want to go in. When I really examine my choice of field to study, I have to be honest and say that deep down I was still trying to find a path that would be "acceptable" to the JWs. I never think about what *I* really want because I feel guilty about being selfish. I also feel like that is for young people, not old people with financial responsibilities like me. Honestly I think I am just destined to be be miserable until I finally die.
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