A Life of Disappointments

It has been way too long since I have posted.  Been on that rollercoaster called life and it has been taking me for one bumpy ride. – Stepford Escapee

                                                                 

When I was youngster I had dreams of what my life would be, just like most children.  At 12 years old, I knew what career I wanted already.  I wanted to work in movies creating monsters and fantasy characters.  I also had a backup plan which was going to college to become a criminal prosecutor.  I thought it was a good plan.

My life, however, was scripted due to the religious beliefs that I was raised in.  To have a “career plan” other than knocking on doors spreading the “good news” was considered worldly thinking and downright selfish.  So at 17 years of age when the opportunity presented itself to be trained and work in Hollywood by a prominent makeup artist, at the advice of one of the “older men” in my congregation, I turned it down.  It is a decision I have regretted from that time forward.

So, to be the good little “True Christian”, I worked the entry level, low paying jobs, and even spent a few years spreading the good news fulltime.  I worked hard and a lot of hours at both and at 47 I have nothing to show for it except some debt (which I have paid off a considerable amount) and living back in my childhood home with my father because I am too poor to get a place on my own.  But all of this was okay because “Jehovah” was going to take care of me and bless me in the “New System” and I would no longer have to struggle.

That utopia point-of-view sounded wonderful.  The only problem is that I no longer believed the things I was taught as a child.  I began to seriously doubt even the existence of a heavenly deity that would take care of all mankind’s woes.  But I was willing to believe that the shortcoming was with me, and some how my brain just did not get it.  Then I can to the realization that this organization that I had dedicated my life to, gave up a career for, and dumped good friends for was a sham.  It was like stepping into quicksand.  If felt as if I were being sucked into an abyss with no hope of rescue.

I did eventually start to recover from my earth-shattering revelation.  I even started making plans to move on with my life with the help of new found friends.  I was going to start over in a sense; tabula rasa as they say in philosophy circles.  I should have used hindsight and learned from my life’s previous examples that when I attempt to find some joy or happiness in this existence, I set free my own personal doom. 

That clean slate; that new lease on life that I was working towards came to an abrupt halt that sent me spinning into an emotional breakdown that I am still ashamed of.  Everyone encourages me to look on the bright side, to keep my chin up.  My chin is just a little sore from all the right hooks that life has landed on it.

At this juncture, I find myself skittish about trying to find any joy.  Seems that life is trying for a TKO and right now I feel about ready to throw the fight.

Stepford Escapee