Stream of Consciousness - April 26, 2014

Last evening I cried like a blubbering idiot.

I cried so hard that I had a headache and red swollen eyes.

I could not stop once I started; I felt so stupid.

The weight of my existence is bearing down on me as the never ending boulders placed on the torso of one convicted as a witch.

I cower in the corner, a frightened animal, the will to strike back stripped away from me.  All that is left is a whimpering, castrated creature.

I am so weary, my body is boneless.

Mental tunnel vision beckons me toward a precipice and at its edge, the Grim Reaper awaits me with his lipless grin.

Mourning What Could Have Been

I woke up this morning thinking about someone who could have been an important part of my life.  (I will call him “Raul” as I have not enlisted his permission to write about him.)  I don’t know why he crossed my mind.  Maybe it is because I have been obsessing again about everything I have missed out on in life by being raised in a mind controlling cult.  Reading my friends updated online and seeing their family photos just rub salt in the wound that reminds me that I will never have a family of my own.  No one will ever call me Mommy.  There will never be anyone waiting at home for me when I get home from work.

Not that there was opportunity for me when I was “in the truth”.  I can’t speak for other areas of the world but in the area I grew up in black sisters did not stand much of a chance and the darker you were the worse your chances to ever be in a relationship.  So I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of singlehood and expected to die alone in a rundown apartment, my body discovered a few weeks after its expiration.

“Raul” was my chance to at a different path.  I met him when I lived down south and worked at the college.  I was taking some graphics and art classes and he was in several of the same classes.  We got along really well and had a lot in common, but I just chalked it up to the fact that we both really like movies and special effects.  Then the day came for a class field trip to the Dali Museum down in Saint Petersburg.  We would be taking several cars and “Raul” decided he would drive and said I could ride with him.  However, unlike the other cars, it was just the two of us riding together (which I found out later he maneuvered it that way).  All I kept thinking about was what if someone from the kingdom hall sees me in the car with this worldly guy! 

Well, no witnesses saw my transgression that day, “Raul” and I hung out together at the museum (along with our assigned group) all day, and on the way back to Clearwater, stopped at a restaurant for dinner. 

Thus started my brief stint into what would be considered bad behavior for a Jehovah’s Witnesses.  “Raul” and I would talk on the phone for hours at a time (which witnesses considered phone dating), hang out, talked about starting a business together, and generally spent a lot of time together outside of our regular class time. 

I never understood why this young man who was 10 years my junior, and could have had any of the Barbie doll blondes that were in our classes showed attention towards me.  It made absolutely no sense to me at all.  After all, he was “worldly”, the only thing he was interested in was looks and sex right?  Why did he find me worthy of attention when none of the better, spiritual men at the kingdom thought I was worth a thought?

The relationship with “Raul” could have progressed in a positive direction if I did not let fear of the organization overtake me.  Once it did I started pulling away from “Raul”.  We remained friends for a time, but with time we lost touch. 

I still think about him from time to time and wonder “what if”.  I hate myself for being so afraid of the organization and the consequences of defying it to the point of robbing myself of personal happiness.  Not that a relationship with “Raul” would have necessarily been perfect, but it would have been nice to have had the chance to find out.

Stepford Escapee

I Should This, I Should That. I should…I should…I should…

When I was still living on the east coast, I was seeing a therapist that did his best to get me to weed this word from my vocabulary.  I never understood why and thought he was just being difficult.  Now that I have had time to digest my sessions with him I am finally starting to get some clarity why he wanted me to avoid the use of the word “should”.

My life has been all about the S-H-O-U-L-D.  I should go to the meeting, I should go out in service, I should prepare my watchtower lesson, I should answer at the meeting, I should start a bible study, I should pioneer, etc, etc.  I could do everything on the list, but if I missed just one, I felt as if I had failed and that Jehovah had turned his back on me and I was going to die at Armageddon. 

Using the word “should” in your vocabulary has power.  This word helps us to put untold number of burdens on ourselves – realistic and unrealistic.  This word can give birth to guilt, shame, and all kinds of negative emotions.  

  

Even once I walked away from the world of watchtower, “should” has been an integral part of my psyche.  Then the thoughts were “I should not have left the organization”, “I should still believe in Jehovah”, “I should still pursue religion”, “I should go back”, etc, etc.

Even if I decide to take a day for myself then I am flooded with thoughts of what I “should” be doing (like cleaning the apartment, looking for a job, studying something, doing something constructive).

It is a miracle I have not “should” myself to death.

So now the task will be learning to use this term less in my conversations with myself and other people.  How to go about this, I am not quite sure.  This is yet another part of my journey to learning who I am.  

When thinking about this subject to write about, I found an article at the website Tiny Buddha that give some advice on managing the word “should”. 

Here is what author Hannah Braime, founder of Becoming Who You Are shared with her readers (Full article here: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-the-word-should-can-be-harmful-3-empowering-alternatives):

   1.   Focus on the benefits.

Instead of telling myself I “should” be doing more of something, I try to focus on why I want to do that particular thing.

Instead of saying “I should do more yoga,” I remind myself of why I want to do this: “I feel great when I do yoga a few times each week,” “I enjoy feeling myself relax and stretch out when I do yoga,” or “I feel a greater sense of self-connection when I make time to connect my body and my breathing in yoga.”

   2.   Focus on how the activity fits with your values.

One of the biggest things I used to “should myself about was being on time.  I struggled to turn up on time for work, appointments, meeting up with friends, and pretty much anything that was due to start at a set time.  It was a constant battle with myself and, of course, telling myself “You should be on time” or “you shouldn’t be late” did nothing to change my tardiness.

Instead, I started reframing this from the perspective of my values.  I started telling myself “It’s really important to me to be on time,” or “I want to live with integrity and do what I say I’m going to do, when I say I’m going to do it.”

    3.   Focus on accepting and exploring reality.

I used to think that I shouldn’t feel angry or jealous.  I had heard they were “unhealthy” feelings to experience and had the belief that there was something wrong with me for feeling that way.  No matter how much I told myself that I shouldn’t feel these things, however, they didn’t go away.

Now, I focus on accepting my experience.  Instead of telling myself “I shouldn’t be feeling/thinking _______,” I take a step back and say “Okay, I’m feeling/thinking _______.  I wonder why that’s happening now?”

Removing the word “should” from your vocabulary will take time, patience, and practice.  But it is possible, and it comes with great rewards.  Replacing “should” with more helpful dialogue will lead to a kinder relationship with yourself, and better relationships with the people around you too.”

As always your comments are welcomed.  I look forward to reading them.

Stepford Escapee