The past week has been a very difficult one for me. I find myself in mourning once again. This
most recent round of crying spells centered on the truth that I will never have
a child. That I will never experience
pregnancy. The catalyst for my pitiful mood
was seeing a mom crossing the street with her daughter when I was on my way
home on Friday. Out of the blue (or
maybe not), I started balling - y'know one of those UGLY headache cries - and it
went on all weekend. I was so tired by
Sunday from all the crying that when I finally went to bed, I passed out and
was dead to the world. Today I feel
languid, almost like I am on autopilot.
I always wanted kids. Two boys at least. During my time in the cult I was a pioneer, I
was on the RBC, served in a foreign language congregation, went to additional
conventions and assemblies (other than the ones to which I was assigned), and I
was considered a "popular" witness - I was invited to all of the
parties, visited "friends" in other states, traveled outside of the
U.S., I knew EVERYBODY. In J-Dub world
this is a recipe for finding a mate and getting married. However, it did not work for me. For all of the checks in the PROS column, I
had some significant checks in the CONS column: ugly, black (how I hate that
word), not submissive, fiercely independent, and opinionated. I had lost the 'mate' race before I even
started it. Therefore having offspring
of my own would never happen.
I don't understand why seeing
that mom and her daughter affected me so deeply. I can't blame it on hormones since I lost
both ovaries in a total hysterectomy in 2004.
But i found myself wanting to be pregnant and wanting to be a
mother. The emotions have subsided a
little, but not completely.
One side effect of this recent
bout of sadness is a flare up of that anger that is always just beneath the
surface. Anger that I put my life on
hold for nothing more than a stupid man-made fairy tale. Sometimes I think I will never free myself of
this enmity toward watchtower.
Stepford Escapee
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ReplyDeleteYou have a lot to offer a relationship Stepford Escapee, you're smart, articulate and kind compassionate caring for others. No man is an I-land unto himself, we're all connected at the mainland. I like your font and blog and I'm glad you wrote about this and shared your feelings. You got at least one caring friend in me and that is more than most. You are beautiful, black and a capable leader. All good things and there is somebody out there waiting for you to find them and also love yourself first and foremost. From your self love will grow your ability and willingness to love others and perhaps one significant other. Thanks for your courage and vulnerability in sharing and for being wonderful just the way you are.
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