To Thine Own Self Be True...

DREAMS UNFULFILLED

  

Like a small child

A poor and destitute child

With her nose

Pressed against the toy store window

Watching with envy

Those of more fortunate means

Reveling in the bliss

That forever eludes her

A single tear

Rolls slowly down her cheek

Revealing the pain

And the crippling frustration

Of dreams unfulfilled


*******************************

I wrote this poem so very many years ago. In the final years of high school I think.  Reading it again now,  is like a revelation to a person I refused to acknowledge: my Authentic Self.  The person I should have been.


You see, I was told who I was.  The person I should be.  The religion I was raised in made that decision for me.  To consider any other path than the one laid before you by the "Faithful Slave of Anointed Ones" was a sign of presumptuous disobedience and a road to certain destruction.  And a lonely road it would be as all human bonds formed within the (including immediate family bonds) would be severed and cauterized to mask any evidence of their former existence. 


But let me go back to what termed "Authentic Self".  For each person this will mean something different.  My Authentic Self is artistic, thrives on devouring knowledge, and rejoices in the diversity of cultures.  However, all these things that contributed to my personal fulfillment, proved to be thorns in my flesh during my tenure as Jehovah's Witness.  


My Artistic Self, longed to find expression as a makeup artist for film and television creating characters and special effects to mesmerize an audience.  However, this was not a wise career choice for a true Christian was the advice given to me by the older men in the congregation.  The reason for their discouragement was that such a career would bring me in contact with the kind of people who would wreck my spirituality and influence me in a negative way.


My Knowledge-Driven Self, loved to read - EVERYTHING. Not just what the Society gave provided.  I enjoyed philosophy, sociology, psychology, metaphysics, world religions, mythology, biographies, unsolved mysteries (UFOs, ESP, the Bermuda Triangle, parallel dimensions), world cultures, etc.  Of course not everything I read was advantageous, but it all added to my knowledge of this microcosms we call Earth.  In response to my appetite for learning, I was often told that I needed to more careful about what I read and that I had everything I needed in the pages of the Watchtower and Awake and the publication library supplied by the faithful and discreet slave. Maybe the governing body felt they provided us with all the knowledge we would ever need, but somehow, for me, it was like eating Chinese food (you are hungry 20 minutes after eating a meal).


My Multi-Cultural Loving Self, enjoyed learning about and getting involved in the lives of people different than myself, and other than American.  I remember one example during the time I lived in Florida and I planned a trip to the National Native American Pow Wow in Orlando.  I was in bliss.  We stayed for the entire event, I danced in the "Circle" (barefoot as is the tradition), stayed for story time, cheered when the dancers performed, and helped at some of the booths that did demonstration of the old ways.  I purchased a few jewelry items and a blanket.  When I excitedly shared my experience in the field ministry the next time I went out, I was scolded for possibly getting involved in false worship and the sisters who were fawning over my jewelry, suddenly looked at it (or was it me) in disgust.


So I learned to suppress, and never acknowledge ME.  To be a Jehovah's Witness meant I could not be me.  And in my experience, anyone who is creatively talented or has that type of personality, has a very difficult time thriving in the organization.  Is there any wonder why there are so many JWs on anti-depressants, or ready to whack themselves because they can't breathe? 


I was there.  Six feet from the edge.  Ready to leap.  And then I said enough. 


Here are two videos that are related to my subject.  I hope you will find them as enlightening as I did.

Art Project 1.0 by johonsonjaredj

Jehovah's Witnesses & Mental Illness - 

Interview with Dr. Jerry Bergman

Namaste,
Stepford Escapee