In the Absence of Hope

I am not sure why I chose that title for this posting.  I am not feeling that way today, in fact I feel exactly the opposite.  However, these words kept persisting in my mind and that leads me to believe that the title chose itself.

In the past, while an active JW, I often felt hopeless.  This would sound foreign to the ears of a devout member of any congregation since we were all indoctrinated to put all hope in the "soon to be ushered in" Paradise.

In seeking this future salvation, a JW has to be willing to give up his sense of self.  This complete sacrifice of self-efficacy may not affect all members of the Watchtower Society in a negative way, but for those that are affected negatively the results can be devastating.

Self-Efficacy: beliefs about their capabilities to produce designated levels of performance that exercise influence over events that affect their lives. Self-efficacy beliefs determine how people feel, think, motivate themselves and behave.

I can speak with certainty only in my case.  Living a life of constant self-denial, and feeling powerless to determine the course of my life, left me feeling hopeless, useless, and hating my very existence.  Even though I was at one time  during my young adulthood part of the Witness "in-crowd", my self-esteem was practically non-existent because I made a point to 'become all things for everyone else' so they would be happy with me and I could remain in good standing among Jehovah's people.  I was not authentic, and I hated myself for being 'fake'.  My Authentic Self questions what she is taught and demands sufficient evidence to support a point of view. My Authentic Self desires the freedom to make decisions for herself.  My Authentic Self desired the right to exercise TRUE free will, not the coerced version of the Watchtower society.   My Authentic Self would have most definitely had chair with her name on it in the "elders' room".

The result of burying My Authentic Self in order to 'fall in line' was a strong self loathing and a constant desire to die.  The older I got the deeper these feelings became.  Not so long ago, I had actually planned my death, and gathered all of the items I would need to carry out the final ritual.

I guess the universe had other plans.

I still struggle with the depression and the desire to end it all.  The difference now it that I took the steps need to free my mind and my soul.  With time and effort, I will be truly free of my former mental bondage and will finally become the person I was truly meant to be.

Stepford Escapee

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The following are two poems I wrote while still a Witness.  Since speaking to anyone about how I really felt meant certain punishment, I used journaling to get out the pent up frustration, anger, and sadness.

SOLOMN CEREMONY

As the sun rises, so do I

A solemn ceremony I must attend today

I walk into the parlor and on the table lay

A little wooden box, a miniature casket

I stand beside the table staring at the box

Contemplating its purpose

I reach inside myself to remove Hope

And Happy Emotion

These useless pieces of myself

I place in the casket

Fighting the urge to snatch them back

I seal the little box, of mahogany and inlaid gold

Then slowly, deliberately walk to its final resting-place

After a moment of silent mourning

I lower my little box into the ground

Burying with it all my hopes and dreams

I turn toward the sunrise

Feeling less burdened as I slowly walk home

THE SUICIDE

A young man’s body

Swings from a home-made rope.

A peaceful expression

Embraces his face.

Longing for the same

Wells within my breast.

How can I find the courage?

How can I?

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Here are two really good videos by members of my YouTube family that address the subject of depression and suicide in relation to Jehovah's Witness:

Dear Becca - suicide and the jehovah's 

witnesses by laurasandeastman

Suicide and JW's by Slanelcla

To Thine Own Self Be True...

DREAMS UNFULFILLED

  

Like a small child

A poor and destitute child

With her nose

Pressed against the toy store window

Watching with envy

Those of more fortunate means

Reveling in the bliss

That forever eludes her

A single tear

Rolls slowly down her cheek

Revealing the pain

And the crippling frustration

Of dreams unfulfilled


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I wrote this poem so very many years ago. In the final years of high school I think.  Reading it again now,  is like a revelation to a person I refused to acknowledge: my Authentic Self.  The person I should have been.


You see, I was told who I was.  The person I should be.  The religion I was raised in made that decision for me.  To consider any other path than the one laid before you by the "Faithful Slave of Anointed Ones" was a sign of presumptuous disobedience and a road to certain destruction.  And a lonely road it would be as all human bonds formed within the (including immediate family bonds) would be severed and cauterized to mask any evidence of their former existence. 


But let me go back to what termed "Authentic Self".  For each person this will mean something different.  My Authentic Self is artistic, thrives on devouring knowledge, and rejoices in the diversity of cultures.  However, all these things that contributed to my personal fulfillment, proved to be thorns in my flesh during my tenure as Jehovah's Witness.  


My Artistic Self, longed to find expression as a makeup artist for film and television creating characters and special effects to mesmerize an audience.  However, this was not a wise career choice for a true Christian was the advice given to me by the older men in the congregation.  The reason for their discouragement was that such a career would bring me in contact with the kind of people who would wreck my spirituality and influence me in a negative way.


My Knowledge-Driven Self, loved to read - EVERYTHING. Not just what the Society gave provided.  I enjoyed philosophy, sociology, psychology, metaphysics, world religions, mythology, biographies, unsolved mysteries (UFOs, ESP, the Bermuda Triangle, parallel dimensions), world cultures, etc.  Of course not everything I read was advantageous, but it all added to my knowledge of this microcosms we call Earth.  In response to my appetite for learning, I was often told that I needed to more careful about what I read and that I had everything I needed in the pages of the Watchtower and Awake and the publication library supplied by the faithful and discreet slave. Maybe the governing body felt they provided us with all the knowledge we would ever need, but somehow, for me, it was like eating Chinese food (you are hungry 20 minutes after eating a meal).


My Multi-Cultural Loving Self, enjoyed learning about and getting involved in the lives of people different than myself, and other than American.  I remember one example during the time I lived in Florida and I planned a trip to the National Native American Pow Wow in Orlando.  I was in bliss.  We stayed for the entire event, I danced in the "Circle" (barefoot as is the tradition), stayed for story time, cheered when the dancers performed, and helped at some of the booths that did demonstration of the old ways.  I purchased a few jewelry items and a blanket.  When I excitedly shared my experience in the field ministry the next time I went out, I was scolded for possibly getting involved in false worship and the sisters who were fawning over my jewelry, suddenly looked at it (or was it me) in disgust.


So I learned to suppress, and never acknowledge ME.  To be a Jehovah's Witness meant I could not be me.  And in my experience, anyone who is creatively talented or has that type of personality, has a very difficult time thriving in the organization.  Is there any wonder why there are so many JWs on anti-depressants, or ready to whack themselves because they can't breathe? 


I was there.  Six feet from the edge.  Ready to leap.  And then I said enough. 


Here are two videos that are related to my subject.  I hope you will find them as enlightening as I did.

Art Project 1.0 by johonsonjaredj

Jehovah's Witnesses & Mental Illness - 

Interview with Dr. Jerry Bergman

Namaste,
Stepford Escapee

Let's make pretend!

The title of this blog is probably not the best, but it was the first phrase that popped into my head.  Because of the topic I am going to write about, this phrase that I have heard uttered by children playing popped into my head, so I went with it.

Yesterday I had a brief conversation with a co-worker. She asked me if I had a lot of trick-o-treaters come to my house Halloween night and I told her no, that my dad owned the house and that we had grown up Jehovah's Witnesses so most people know not to come to our door.  This co-worker told me that she "got it" because her sister is a JW.  She continued by telling me that her sister usually will "celebrate" a day or two before by doing something with the kids like a party or other event.

This reminded me of times that JW parents did the same thing when I was growing up.  I remember a family in one of the congregations that I attended that would have a gift giving party every December about a week before the world would celebrate Christmas.  Now being the staunch, no room for compromise Witness that I was, I found this to be very odd.

Let me explain what I mean.  I remember a lesson with one of my former bible studies that led to a discussion about the holidays.  The student said to me that even if the holidays originated from pagan customs, they have evolved from their origins into something else entirely.  My comeback to her was that although we as imperfect and finite creatures may not know the origins of a custom or celebration, Jehovah still remembers it like it happened a second ago.  Therefore when he sees people engaging in holiday celebrations, to him is the same as engaging in the worship of pagan gods.

So if a Witness has a "dress up" party a few days before Halloween or a "gift giving" party a week before Christmas, are they not essentially doing the same thing? Are they not celebrating the pagan holiday but deceiving themselves that they are doing something different? All they have done was changed the date, the sentiment is still the same.

So I will close with a question that is reflective of one used from the platform at meetings many time: If you are a practicing JW, would you invite Jesus to your pre-Halloween dress up party or your pre-Christmas gift giving party? Find yourself hesitant to say 'yes'?

Perhaps this is one of those times to check the rafter in your own eye first. (Luke 6:42)

Stepford Escapee
My Free Thinking Zone