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At Another Crossroad

I am not happy. There I said it. So if you came here looking for sunshine and flowers.  You can leave now. 

Do I know why I am not happy? I don't know if I could really explain why. I still feel trapped. I moved to start a new life but I feel like I am still living the same life. The four walls of the cube have not loosened up any. If I had to be completely honest, I would have to admit that I am still enslaved by worry about finances and fear of taking risks. I am also feeling boxed in by the choice to go back to college. When I am devoting my whole week to completing school work, all I can think about is how I would rather be spending that time sculpting cuts and wounds and casting them to use in effects makeup. Or wanted to use the time practicing my drawing skills so I can sketch the character that pop into my head. But I can't do what I really want to be doing because I obligated myself to school.

I know I will never be the caliber of makeup/effects artist that I want to be, but to not be putting my all toward something that I have always wanted to do feels like being suffocated with a plastic bag. I know that education is valued in our society. I am not disputing that. Having that piece of paper from an institution of higher learning would give me a few more dollars (or perhaps cents) in my paycheck working at a job that I probably would not be happy doing anyway. And what makes my situation even more unbearable is being told that I actually have some talent for doing makeup and could be pretty good if I would just dedicate myself to the craft and spend more time practicing. But the way things are now is that I don't have time to practice the craft.

So I find myself at a crossroad again with a big decision to make. I am tired of being miserable and feeling like my life is not my own. In my current situation I feel old, miserable, and tired. I don't have a lot of years left. My body has already started to betray me (which hinders how active I can be as a makeup artist). I want to spend what years I have left doing something I enjoy, at least part of the time. My financial status unfortunately will keep me enslaved to “The Man”, but I don't have give him everything.

Stepford Escapee

A Life of Disappointments

It has been way too long since I have posted.  Been on that rollercoaster called life and it has been taking me for one bumpy ride. – Stepford Escapee

                                                                 

When I was youngster I had dreams of what my life would be, just like most children.  At 12 years old, I knew what career I wanted already.  I wanted to work in movies creating monsters and fantasy characters.  I also had a backup plan which was going to college to become a criminal prosecutor.  I thought it was a good plan.

My life, however, was scripted due to the religious beliefs that I was raised in.  To have a “career plan” other than knocking on doors spreading the “good news” was considered worldly thinking and downright selfish.  So at 17 years of age when the opportunity presented itself to be trained and work in Hollywood by a prominent makeup artist, at the advice of one of the “older men” in my congregation, I turned it down.  It is a decision I have regretted from that time forward.

So, to be the good little “True Christian”, I worked the entry level, low paying jobs, and even spent a few years spreading the good news fulltime.  I worked hard and a lot of hours at both and at 47 I have nothing to show for it except some debt (which I have paid off a considerable amount) and living back in my childhood home with my father because I am too poor to get a place on my own.  But all of this was okay because “Jehovah” was going to take care of me and bless me in the “New System” and I would no longer have to struggle.

That utopia point-of-view sounded wonderful.  The only problem is that I no longer believed the things I was taught as a child.  I began to seriously doubt even the existence of a heavenly deity that would take care of all mankind’s woes.  But I was willing to believe that the shortcoming was with me, and some how my brain just did not get it.  Then I can to the realization that this organization that I had dedicated my life to, gave up a career for, and dumped good friends for was a sham.  It was like stepping into quicksand.  If felt as if I were being sucked into an abyss with no hope of rescue.

I did eventually start to recover from my earth-shattering revelation.  I even started making plans to move on with my life with the help of new found friends.  I was going to start over in a sense; tabula rasa as they say in philosophy circles.  I should have used hindsight and learned from my life’s previous examples that when I attempt to find some joy or happiness in this existence, I set free my own personal doom. 

That clean slate; that new lease on life that I was working towards came to an abrupt halt that sent me spinning into an emotional breakdown that I am still ashamed of.  Everyone encourages me to look on the bright side, to keep my chin up.  My chin is just a little sore from all the right hooks that life has landed on it.

At this juncture, I find myself skittish about trying to find any joy.  Seems that life is trying for a TKO and right now I feel about ready to throw the fight.

Stepford Escapee

Twisted Fairy Tale Part 2: Brave New World

Alice did not know what to expect as she passed through The Looking Glass.  Fear gripped her as she moved slowly through the transparent portal. Her body felt as if it were being pulled through the neck of a very small bottle and before she had time to process what was happening, Alice popped out onto the other side of The Looking Glass.

What she spied with her little eyes was nothing like she had imagined. The air on this side seemed lighter.  The sun shined twice as bright.  Alice bent down to feel the grass.  It was soft and downy and very fragrant.

As Alice started to get up she noticed a pair of feet in front of her.  Panic washed over like cold water from a mountain waterfall and her only thought was to run.  Then she heard a soft, calming voice that dissipated the panic. 

“Welcome to this side of The Looking Glass.  Are you alright?  Sometimes passing through the portal can cause disorientation and emotional upheaval.”

“I-I am fine, at least I think so.  Y-You’re Red.  I-I mean Little Red Riding Hood! But we were told that you became a street urchin and severely addicted to Absinth!” Alice blurted, her mind reeling from the vision of Little Red Riding Hood standing in front of her.

“Not so little anymore Alice.  On this side of The Looking Glass, instead of being stunted, I flourished.  I grew up to become the person I was always meant to be.  I have never been happier or more content.  Things are not perfect, but here, I learn to work through obstacles, not pretend they don’t exist or blame them on some unseen evil.”

One thing you will learn very quickly living on this side of The Looking Glass, is that the things taught by The WWMC (The Wizard, The Wicked Witch of the West, Maleficent, and Captain Hook) about this world, are more paranoia driven fantasy than actual fact. 

“You my dear, have so much to learn”, Red Riding Hood said, smiling sweetly at Alice.  “Here you will truly discover Wonderland.  Don’t worry, you won’t have to travel this journey alone.  Others who have crossed over will be here to help you along the way.”

“So Sweet Alice, come with me.  It is time for you to start your pilgrimage to discovering YOU.”

And with that Red Riding Hood took Alice’s arm and led her down the path from The Looking Glass.  Everything was bright and colorful.  Alice took a deep breath and realized the air smelled sweeter than on the other side. 

She smiled and thought to herself “I think I am going to like it here!” and picked up her pace to catch up with Red.

The End…Well, not really!


The moral of the story is this: It is hard to leave a belief system that has given you your world view and is the only thing you have ever known.  It is not just hard it is downright frightening.  However, if you crave freedom from mental bondage you have to be willing to take leap through the proverbial looking glass.  Believe me you will be very glad that you did. - SE

 Stepford Escapee

Twisted Fairy Tale

This is a story about a woman named Alice.  Alice had spent her entire existence living in a fairytale world on the far side of the looking glass.  A world full of cotton-candy clouds and giddy blank-faced citizens.  Dorothy lived there too with Toto, The Tin Man, The Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion.  Peter Pan and Tinkerbell lived down the street and Snow White lived in a few blocks over from them in a McMansion that was large enough for all 7 of the Little People (political correctness you know).  All was perfect in Far Side of the Mirror Land.  Just perfect.

From American McGee/EA’s

Third Person Action-Adventure Platforming Horror Game

One day while attending one of the weekly citizen pow-wows, Alice found herself eyeing the attendants and feeling uneasy.  All the eyes were wide and glassy like dolls, focusing on nothing; all the smiles were pasted on as if the muscles were locked in position.  Even Toto went against his nature and laid on the floor, quiet as a church mouse.

“They are like the walking dead” Alice said to herself.  “I don’t want to end up like them!”

No one in the land ever questioned the will of the Wizard, the Wicked Witch of the West, Maleficent, and Captain Hook (better known as the WWMC).  What they said was law.  There was no need to seek knowledge from any other source. Especially from the other side of the looking glass. 

On the other side of the looking glass was a terrible, raucous world that would destroy anyone who entered it.  The WWMC warned the citizens from The Far Side of The Looking Glass to stay far away from the woods where The Glass stood for fear we may accidentally fall through to the other side to be forever lost to the wickedness that lay on the other side.

Alice always had a curious personality.  She also found herself doubting the teachings and mandates from the WWMC.  It made her wonder from time to time what was wrong with her since everyone else seemed to be content to led by The WWMC like pigs with gold rings in their noses.  Well being led without question just did not sit well with Alice.  So on this day while sitting in yet another boring citizens meeting, Alice decided she would leave The Far Side of the Looking Glass.

At the end of the citizens meeting, Alice walked out the door of the Crystal Palace, she never looked back.

Instead of going to the little room she lived in, she headed for the woods.  Soon she approached the looking glass.  With trepidation Alice stares at the structure, takes a deep breath and steps across the plane from her reality into The Other World.

And what did Alice find on the other side of the looking glass?

Read the next installment to find out.

Stepford Escapee

You are wonderful. You are loved. - Who Me? I don't think so!

UGLY GIRL

Go pet a dog, the dog keels over

Dead

Ugly Girl

Lord help you

Walk in a room

People leave

People snicker

All the people dance

But you don’t dance

‘Cause Lord

You is a ugly girl

Alone you go home

Thinks ‘bout all them pretty girls

In their pretty gowns

Look in yo’ cracked mirror and cry

Wishin’ you could die

‘Cause Lord

You’s a Ugly Girl

Lord help ya’ chile

You is an Ugly Girl

Phantom

I am a Phantom

A horror hidden

From the eyes of others.

Grotesque, twisted.

Denied affection, love.

Devoid of fellow-feeling

Yet longing to love and be loved.

Denied.

In the catacombs of despair

Is where I reside.

Where I am Queen.

Stone statues are my companions,

And darkness the arms that embrace me.

The two poems above I wrote as a young adult. I include them because they fit in with the theme of this blog.

I watched a video today posted by TheHappyFreeThinker on YouTube entitled “You are wonderful. You are loved. Focus on His kindness”. This became an emotional experience for me because a lot of what he said I experience internally.

The video started with a discussion of the phrase “undeserved kindness” (John: 1:14-17; Romans 3:24) taught heavily in the doctrine of the Watchtower Society. I have to concede that this phrase, pounded through my obviously feeble brain, left a nearly indelible impression on my psyche.

Growing up I was always afraid of enjoying anything positive that would (rarely) com my way. I was convinced that those incidents were flukes since I was a rotten, sinful human who did not deserve anything good. I strongly believed that if I allowed myself to enjoy the good, Jehovah/God/The Supreme Being, would cause something horrible to happen to punish me for having the nerve to be happy about something. To this very day, I have a phobia about enjoying anything good or positive that happens to me, because I don't want to have that joy snatched away. Deep down, I truly feel that I don't deserve to be happy.

In his video, TheHappyFreeThinker also address attractiveness, or in a nutshell self-esteem. I found myself shaking my head on this one. My life experience has taught me that attractiveness is physical. Sitting by year after year, watching friend after friend get married, and simply being a bystander, and on top of that having a ministerial servant and other tell you in no uncertain terms that you are ugly, solidifies for me that people only judge on what they see.

I hated myself and what I looked like so much that I even learned to apply makeup without using a mirror so I would not have to look at myself. So I would not have to see the hideous, black monstrosity peering back at me. Often when I prayed, I would ask Jehovah, why he allowed Black people to come about since everyone hated us and we were not worth as much as other people. I remember being anxious for the new system because then I would become perfect which in my mind meant I would finally be white, the race everyone loves and admires. Of course the longer this system persisted, the more the reality came that paradise (or Panda Bear World – thanks jwFairyTale) was just an elaborate fantasy. I was cursed being who I was.

Since I can't change who I am, I have to live with it. I don't believe I will ever accept it. However, I channel that self-disgust into something positive by reaching out to help children and others to reach their goals and dreams, so they can feel worthy, and find some happiness in this world.

So thank you for the video TheHappyFreeThinker. I got me to update my blog. Keep posting because you have a lot of great things to share.

Peace,

Stepford Escapee

In the Absence of Hope

I am not sure why I chose that title for this posting.  I am not feeling that way today, in fact I feel exactly the opposite.  However, these words kept persisting in my mind and that leads me to believe that the title chose itself.

In the past, while an active JW, I often felt hopeless.  This would sound foreign to the ears of a devout member of any congregation since we were all indoctrinated to put all hope in the "soon to be ushered in" Paradise.

In seeking this future salvation, a JW has to be willing to give up his sense of self.  This complete sacrifice of self-efficacy may not affect all members of the Watchtower Society in a negative way, but for those that are affected negatively the results can be devastating.

Self-Efficacy: beliefs about their capabilities to produce designated levels of performance that exercise influence over events that affect their lives. Self-efficacy beliefs determine how people feel, think, motivate themselves and behave.

I can speak with certainty only in my case.  Living a life of constant self-denial, and feeling powerless to determine the course of my life, left me feeling hopeless, useless, and hating my very existence.  Even though I was at one time  during my young adulthood part of the Witness "in-crowd", my self-esteem was practically non-existent because I made a point to 'become all things for everyone else' so they would be happy with me and I could remain in good standing among Jehovah's people.  I was not authentic, and I hated myself for being 'fake'.  My Authentic Self questions what she is taught and demands sufficient evidence to support a point of view. My Authentic Self desires the freedom to make decisions for herself.  My Authentic Self desired the right to exercise TRUE free will, not the coerced version of the Watchtower society.   My Authentic Self would have most definitely had chair with her name on it in the "elders' room".

The result of burying My Authentic Self in order to 'fall in line' was a strong self loathing and a constant desire to die.  The older I got the deeper these feelings became.  Not so long ago, I had actually planned my death, and gathered all of the items I would need to carry out the final ritual.

I guess the universe had other plans.

I still struggle with the depression and the desire to end it all.  The difference now it that I took the steps need to free my mind and my soul.  With time and effort, I will be truly free of my former mental bondage and will finally become the person I was truly meant to be.

Stepford Escapee

**************************************************

The following are two poems I wrote while still a Witness.  Since speaking to anyone about how I really felt meant certain punishment, I used journaling to get out the pent up frustration, anger, and sadness.

SOLOMN CEREMONY

As the sun rises, so do I

A solemn ceremony I must attend today

I walk into the parlor and on the table lay

A little wooden box, a miniature casket

I stand beside the table staring at the box

Contemplating its purpose

I reach inside myself to remove Hope

And Happy Emotion

These useless pieces of myself

I place in the casket

Fighting the urge to snatch them back

I seal the little box, of mahogany and inlaid gold

Then slowly, deliberately walk to its final resting-place

After a moment of silent mourning

I lower my little box into the ground

Burying with it all my hopes and dreams

I turn toward the sunrise

Feeling less burdened as I slowly walk home

THE SUICIDE

A young man’s body

Swings from a home-made rope.

A peaceful expression

Embraces his face.

Longing for the same

Wells within my breast.

How can I find the courage?

How can I?

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Here are two really good videos by members of my YouTube family that address the subject of depression and suicide in relation to Jehovah's Witness:

Dear Becca - suicide and the jehovah's 

witnesses by laurasandeastman

Suicide and JW's by Slanelcla