Take a Lesson on Life from this Lady!

Stepford’s Escape – 2 years post

It has been a long time since I have written anything for this blog.  I have been pretty much mentally and emotionally paralyzed for the past year.  I honestly don’t know how to describe what is going on with me.  I have lost my motivation to “live”.  I am not talking in the sense of wanting to whack myself (although I have given that some serious thought a couple of times this past year).  I mean that I just don’t feel like doing ANYTHING; I would be content to just lie in the bed 24/7 and never get up.

I don’t even have a desire to do makeup, and for anyone that knows me, you know that this is out of the ordinary for me.

Added to my mental lethargy, physically I feel rotten.  My head hurts, my knees hurt, my back hurts, my neck hurts, I can’t walk more than a few yards without feeling like I am going to fall flat on my face.

And now to make matters worse I am unemployed with less than $300 to my name.  The job search is putting added stress on me. 

Unlike some of my fellow exJdubs, my exit seems to be just as much a disaster as my life as an active witness.

I feel like I am sinking in quicksand in the middle of a deserted desert.

Stepford Escapee

Why Jehovah's Witnesses do such WEIRD things.

So you want to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses? JW.org

At Another Crossroad

I am not happy. There I said it. So if you came here looking for sunshine and flowers.  You can leave now. 

Do I know why I am not happy? I don't know if I could really explain why. I still feel trapped. I moved to start a new life but I feel like I am still living the same life. The four walls of the cube have not loosened up any. If I had to be completely honest, I would have to admit that I am still enslaved by worry about finances and fear of taking risks. I am also feeling boxed in by the choice to go back to college. When I am devoting my whole week to completing school work, all I can think about is how I would rather be spending that time sculpting cuts and wounds and casting them to use in effects makeup. Or wanted to use the time practicing my drawing skills so I can sketch the character that pop into my head. But I can't do what I really want to be doing because I obligated myself to school.

I know I will never be the caliber of makeup/effects artist that I want to be, but to not be putting my all toward something that I have always wanted to do feels like being suffocated with a plastic bag. I know that education is valued in our society. I am not disputing that. Having that piece of paper from an institution of higher learning would give me a few more dollars (or perhaps cents) in my paycheck working at a job that I probably would not be happy doing anyway. And what makes my situation even more unbearable is being told that I actually have some talent for doing makeup and could be pretty good if I would just dedicate myself to the craft and spend more time practicing. But the way things are now is that I don't have time to practice the craft.

So I find myself at a crossroad again with a big decision to make. I am tired of being miserable and feeling like my life is not my own. In my current situation I feel old, miserable, and tired. I don't have a lot of years left. My body has already started to betray me (which hinders how active I can be as a makeup artist). I want to spend what years I have left doing something I enjoy, at least part of the time. My financial status unfortunately will keep me enslaved to “The Man”, but I don't have give him everything.

Stepford Escapee

A Life of Disappointments

It has been way too long since I have posted.  Been on that rollercoaster called life and it has been taking me for one bumpy ride. – Stepford Escapee

                                                                 

When I was youngster I had dreams of what my life would be, just like most children.  At 12 years old, I knew what career I wanted already.  I wanted to work in movies creating monsters and fantasy characters.  I also had a backup plan which was going to college to become a criminal prosecutor.  I thought it was a good plan.

My life, however, was scripted due to the religious beliefs that I was raised in.  To have a “career plan” other than knocking on doors spreading the “good news” was considered worldly thinking and downright selfish.  So at 17 years of age when the opportunity presented itself to be trained and work in Hollywood by a prominent makeup artist, at the advice of one of the “older men” in my congregation, I turned it down.  It is a decision I have regretted from that time forward.

So, to be the good little “True Christian”, I worked the entry level, low paying jobs, and even spent a few years spreading the good news fulltime.  I worked hard and a lot of hours at both and at 47 I have nothing to show for it except some debt (which I have paid off a considerable amount) and living back in my childhood home with my father because I am too poor to get a place on my own.  But all of this was okay because “Jehovah” was going to take care of me and bless me in the “New System” and I would no longer have to struggle.

That utopia point-of-view sounded wonderful.  The only problem is that I no longer believed the things I was taught as a child.  I began to seriously doubt even the existence of a heavenly deity that would take care of all mankind’s woes.  But I was willing to believe that the shortcoming was with me, and some how my brain just did not get it.  Then I can to the realization that this organization that I had dedicated my life to, gave up a career for, and dumped good friends for was a sham.  It was like stepping into quicksand.  If felt as if I were being sucked into an abyss with no hope of rescue.

I did eventually start to recover from my earth-shattering revelation.  I even started making plans to move on with my life with the help of new found friends.  I was going to start over in a sense; tabula rasa as they say in philosophy circles.  I should have used hindsight and learned from my life’s previous examples that when I attempt to find some joy or happiness in this existence, I set free my own personal doom. 

That clean slate; that new lease on life that I was working towards came to an abrupt halt that sent me spinning into an emotional breakdown that I am still ashamed of.  Everyone encourages me to look on the bright side, to keep my chin up.  My chin is just a little sore from all the right hooks that life has landed on it.

At this juncture, I find myself skittish about trying to find any joy.  Seems that life is trying for a TKO and right now I feel about ready to throw the fight.

Stepford Escapee

Twisted Fairy Tale Part 2: Brave New World

Alice did not know what to expect as she passed through The Looking Glass.  Fear gripped her as she moved slowly through the transparent portal. Her body felt as if it were being pulled through the neck of a very small bottle and before she had time to process what was happening, Alice popped out onto the other side of The Looking Glass.

What she spied with her little eyes was nothing like she had imagined. The air on this side seemed lighter.  The sun shined twice as bright.  Alice bent down to feel the grass.  It was soft and downy and very fragrant.

As Alice started to get up she noticed a pair of feet in front of her.  Panic washed over like cold water from a mountain waterfall and her only thought was to run.  Then she heard a soft, calming voice that dissipated the panic. 

“Welcome to this side of The Looking Glass.  Are you alright?  Sometimes passing through the portal can cause disorientation and emotional upheaval.”

“I-I am fine, at least I think so.  Y-You’re Red.  I-I mean Little Red Riding Hood! But we were told that you became a street urchin and severely addicted to Absinth!” Alice blurted, her mind reeling from the vision of Little Red Riding Hood standing in front of her.

“Not so little anymore Alice.  On this side of The Looking Glass, instead of being stunted, I flourished.  I grew up to become the person I was always meant to be.  I have never been happier or more content.  Things are not perfect, but here, I learn to work through obstacles, not pretend they don’t exist or blame them on some unseen evil.”

One thing you will learn very quickly living on this side of The Looking Glass, is that the things taught by The WWMC (The Wizard, The Wicked Witch of the West, Maleficent, and Captain Hook) about this world, are more paranoia driven fantasy than actual fact. 

“You my dear, have so much to learn”, Red Riding Hood said, smiling sweetly at Alice.  “Here you will truly discover Wonderland.  Don’t worry, you won’t have to travel this journey alone.  Others who have crossed over will be here to help you along the way.”

“So Sweet Alice, come with me.  It is time for you to start your pilgrimage to discovering YOU.”

And with that Red Riding Hood took Alice’s arm and led her down the path from The Looking Glass.  Everything was bright and colorful.  Alice took a deep breath and realized the air smelled sweeter than on the other side. 

She smiled and thought to herself “I think I am going to like it here!” and picked up her pace to catch up with Red.

The End…Well, not really!


The moral of the story is this: It is hard to leave a belief system that has given you your world view and is the only thing you have ever known.  It is not just hard it is downright frightening.  However, if you crave freedom from mental bondage you have to be willing to take leap through the proverbial looking glass.  Believe me you will be very glad that you did. - SE

 Stepford Escapee