The past week has been a very difficult one for me. I find myself in mourning once again. This
most recent round of crying spells centered on the truth that I will never have
a child. That I will never experience
pregnancy. The catalyst for my pitiful mood
was seeing a mom crossing the street with her daughter when I was on my way
home on Friday. Out of the blue (or
maybe not), I started balling - y'know one of those UGLY headache cries - and it
went on all weekend. I was so tired by
Sunday from all the crying that when I finally went to bed, I passed out and
was dead to the world. Today I feel
languid, almost like I am on autopilot.
I always wanted kids. Two boys at least. During my time in the cult I was a pioneer, I
was on the RBC, served in a foreign language congregation, went to additional
conventions and assemblies (other than the ones to which I was assigned), and I
was considered a "popular" witness - I was invited to all of the
parties, visited "friends" in other states, traveled outside of the
U.S., I knew EVERYBODY. In J-Dub world
this is a recipe for finding a mate and getting married. However, it did not work for me. For all of the checks in the PROS column, I
had some significant checks in the CONS column: ugly, black (how I hate that
word), not submissive, fiercely independent, and opinionated. I had lost the 'mate' race before I even
started it. Therefore having offspring
of my own would never happen.
I don't understand why seeing
that mom and her daughter affected me so deeply. I can't blame it on hormones since I lost
both ovaries in a total hysterectomy in 2004.
But i found myself wanting to be pregnant and wanting to be a
mother. The emotions have subsided a
little, but not completely.
One side effect of this recent
bout of sadness is a flare up of that anger that is always just beneath the
surface. Anger that I put my life on
hold for nothing more than a stupid man-made fairy tale. Sometimes I think I will never free myself of
this enmity toward watchtower.
Stepford Escapee
