Anger: noun
1. a
strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
Anger is
the one emotion that feels natural to me.
It wears me like a latex glove conforming to every negative space that
envelopes my wounded psyche. Without the
anger I feel less than human, practically non-existent.
Why am I
so angry? What could be so disconcerting
to draw my ire?
The
major thorn in my side is that I wasted nearly 40 years of my life in a
brainwashed stupor following the designs of high control cult. My youth and good health were stolen. What stokes the fire even more is that the
fact that I was too stupid to see the truth of my situation and save myself
from it. Now I am paying the price and
hating every waking moment of my pitiful existence.
I am
angry that the world tells me that I am inferior, yet I am constantly answering
from and reminding people of things that should be common knowledge as if their
brains are atrophied from lack of use. I
get royally pissed off when I have to constantly correct the work of those
'superior' to me, or take phone calls for simplistic questions that those
'superior' to me cannot seem to answer.
I am
angry that I work overtime every week and can still barely afford to keep a
roof over my head. If I have even two
hours less overtime, I am in jeopardy of not paying one of my bills (and I
don't have many at all).
I am
angry because I have to live in pain everyday because I can't afford to take off
from work to get the surgery I so desperately need so I can function normally
and live a more fulfilling life. To be
able to do my own grocery shopping, to take a walk, to dance, or to pursue the
career I have wanted since I was in high school. I am angry that I can't afford to have a dog
when I really want to help rescue one that has been mistreated.
I am
angry that I must leave my apartment every day to go to work terrified that I
might be stopped by some maniac police office who is itching to kill anything
with skin darker than a brown paper bag.
Terrified that each day I travel to and from work might be my last
because my skin is seen as a weapon by the 'superior' end of the species.
I am
angry that I can't even visit Starbucks without having an anxiety attack
because I am afraid that the sorry ass barista
working the counter will call the police on me because I had the nerve
to walk in to purchase a beverage or to have a seat because the pain in my back
is about to make me fall on my ass.
I am angry
that 14 years ago I lost my mother and I was so poor I could not afford to be
there with her at the end. Angry that in
order to make it home for the funeral, I had to accept charity from my younger
brother's employer because I did not have the funds to purchase the plane
ticket. Angry that I can't afford to
blow off California and move back east to be there for a friend of my who is
sick, and to be with people who know me and support me because they care about
me, not the religion I practice (or don't practice).
I am
angry because I let myself get fat and disgusting because I allowed my self to
believe that jehovah would make me perfect in the new order. I am angry that
because I drank the Kool-Aid and believed that I would get to have a family in
the paradise so I gave an opportunity at love so I could be a 'good little
witness'. Now I will die never having
experienced romantic love, raising a child, owning a home, just being a normal
human being.
This is
how I live every single day. Pissed off.
The only time I get a break is when I
finally close my eyes to sleep a few hours each night. I have lived with my anger for so long that I
don't know what life would look like without it. It is like food, the only thing that gives me
the energy to keep going.
I don't
think I could survive without it.
Stepford Escapee
