n. - a distressing
emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is
real or imaginged [...];
I am familiar with fear.
Fear rides on me like the Lone Ranger on Silver. Fear rules my life. Most of the decisions I make, are based on
fear.
However, Fear can be necessary.
It can help us get away from danger or avoid it all together. Fear will help us to be cautious when driving
a car, to be alert when walking through an unfamiliar neighborhood, and fear of
being "ordinary" can make you strive to be extraordinary.
On the flip side, fear can be paralyzing.
I grew up with fear as a close companion. Growing up as a JDub,
the constant talk about armageddon and the possiblity of being tortured by the
authorities kept me in a heightened sense of fear. Everytime I would hear about some major
[violent] event on the news, I just knew armageddon was about to start and
found myself obssessing about whether I was strong enough to withstand being
tortured for my beliefs.
And as it that did not cause enough anxiety, I also had to worry
about Jehovah killing me if I did cave under the pressure of being
tortured. I remember being in field
service one day and the elder in the car was telling the group that Jehovah
knows our greatest fears and that if we are not loyal he would kill us at
armageddon the way we feared most of dying.
You have no idea how what this elder said, f***ked with my
head. Every time I did anything wrong,
no matter how insignificant, all I could think about was how jehovah was going
to take pleasure in killing me using one of my worst phobias to do it. It is no wonder why I was on anti-depressants
and anti-anxiety drugs.
Not all of my fears can be attributed to my time enslaved in
religion.
I fear leaving my apartment every morning to drive to work and
then leaving work to drive home.
Why? Because every police vehicle
I see is a potential death sentence for me because I had the misfortune of
being born in the wrong skin. If I could
find a legitemate "work at home" position, I would probably never
leave my apartment.
I fear falling in public and then seeing my fat ass blasted all
over YouTube.
I fear people feeling sorry for me because I am fat, hideous,
and poor.
And I fear failure.
Probably the worst fear that I harbor. In part this fear is encoded in
my DNA so I feel like I can never escape it.
This fear was nurtured in the in the JW culture which was never
satisfied with one's level of participation.
You could give that organization blood, piss, and tears and they will
still say that you are not doing enough.
It is no surprise that I was constantly taking anti-anxiety meds during
my time as an active JW.
Then there are the "silly" fears, also called phobias:
Fear of worms
Fear of heights
Fear of phone calls
(making them and receiving them)
Fear of confrontation
Fear of crowds
Fear of body fluids
Fear of large houses
and hidden doorways
Fear of wood structures
And many more...
Unfortunately fear is a
large part of the human experience. The trick
is learning to face it head on and do what scares the hell out of you. If you don’t you will feel perpetually
“stuck” in life. Trust me. I know.
It is an everyday struggle for me to not let my fears paralyze me. It is a constant uphill battle, but I am
determined to fight it day by day.
Stepford Escapee
