UGLY
GIRL
Go
pet a dog, the dog keels over
Dead
Ugly
Girl
Lord
help you
Walk
in a room
People
leave
People
snicker
All
the people dance
But
you don’t dance
‘Cause
Lord
You
is a ugly girl
Alone
you go home
Thinks
‘bout all them pretty girls
In
their pretty gowns
Look
in yo’ cracked mirror and cry
Wishin’ you could die
‘Cause Lord
You’s
a Ugly Girl
Lord
help ya’ chile
You
is an Ugly Girl
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Phantom
I
am a Phantom
A
horror hidden
From
the eyes of others.
Grotesque,
twisted.
Denied
affection, love.
Devoid
of fellow-feeling
Yet
longing to love and be loved.
Denied.
In
the catacombs of despair
Is
where I reside.
Where
I am Queen.
Stone
statues are my companions,
And
darkness the arms that embrace me.
The
two poems above I wrote as a young adult. I include them because
they fit in with the theme of this blog.
I
watched a video today posted by TheHappyFreeThinker on YouTube
entitled “You
are wonderful. You are loved. Focus on His kindness”. This
became an emotional experience for me because a lot of what he said I
experience internally.
The
video started with a discussion of the phrase “undeserved kindness”
(John: 1:14-17; Romans 3:24) taught heavily in the doctrine of the
Watchtower Society. I have to concede that this phrase, pounded
through my obviously feeble brain, left a nearly indelible impression
on my psyche.
Growing
up I was always afraid of enjoying anything positive that would
(rarely) com my way. I was convinced that those incidents were
flukes since I was a rotten, sinful human who did not deserve
anything good. I strongly believed that if I allowed myself to enjoy
the good, Jehovah/God/The Supreme Being, would cause something
horrible to happen to punish me for having the nerve to be happy
about something. To this very day, I have a phobia about enjoying
anything good or positive that happens to me, because I don't want to
have that joy snatched away. Deep down, I truly feel that I don't
deserve to be happy.
In
his video, TheHappyFreeThinker also address attractiveness, or in a
nutshell self-esteem. I found myself shaking my head on this one.
My life experience has taught me that attractiveness is physical.
Sitting by year after year, watching friend after friend get married,
and simply being a bystander, and on top of that having a ministerial
servant and other tell you in no uncertain terms that you are ugly,
solidifies for me that people only judge on what they see.
I
hated myself and what I looked like so much that I even learned to
apply makeup without using a mirror so I would not have to look at
myself. So I would not have to see the hideous, black monstrosity
peering back at me. Often when I prayed, I would ask Jehovah, why he
allowed Black people to come about since everyone hated us and we
were not worth as much as other people. I remember being anxious for
the new system because then I would become perfect which in my mind
meant I would finally be white, the race everyone loves and admires. Of
course the longer this system persisted, the more the reality came
that paradise (or Panda
Bear World
– thanks jwFairyTale) was just an elaborate fantasy. I was cursed
being who I was.
Since
I can't change who I am, I have to live with it. I don't believe I
will ever accept it. However, I channel that self-disgust into
something positive by reaching out to help children and others to
reach their goals and dreams, so they can feel worthy, and find some
happiness in this world.
So
thank you for the video TheHappyFreeThinker. I got me to update my
blog. Keep posting because you have a lot of great things to share.
Peace,
Stepford
Escapee
